It's not easy bearing the cause or weight of the family.
Decisions, decisions and decisions.
I used to cry upon considering the responsibilities, being the eldest. It meant going through a whole lot deal not many can comprehend.
Being the firstborn, we try to make our family proud. We try to give less worries to our families. Despite undergoing the tough, kept and sealed within our own lips only is what I think I do best.
The firstborn is the pride of the family. It means going a whole lot farther in being the perfect example. As the eldest, we take care of younger siblings. To love and to protect; to care and to shield.
Being the firstborn means experiencing the first mistakes no one can teach you to avoid. It means learning from it and guiding the younger ones to a better set of directions. It also means that we make the important decisions in almost all that there is out there.
The eldest lays their life and commitment to the family. Dreams follow up second. In our mind, the welfare of the family is often guarded way ahead and a duty we carry.
Not many can love, jealousy may arouse. What makes the firstborn set apart? To me, jealousy to siblings should not be a part of our heart. In my perspective, no matter how much desire wishes to lead, the love for the family is places above all else.
Firstborns have a special duty to the family. We were made to be born first, not by coincidence. God simply knew we were to lead, to be ready for the task and responsibility He has for us.
I always believe that sacrificing our own desires for the love of the family, as a duty plays an important role in uniting the family. The firstborns are always watched and observed by the younger siblings. To implant good values in the family begins from the leadership and love from the firstborns.
In this, I know, I wasn't made first by accident. He always has something bigger than what we can see from our mere eyes. For that, I'm glad that I was born as in a sequence of this.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
A Little Bit Of Rain
As a girl, I get a little bit emotional.
There's a tendency to feel a little bit of pain. A tendency to feel a bit of doubt. That little brain that thinks too much.
So much for sunshine, there sometimes comes a period of a little thunder and rain as well.
There's that particular moment where you'd keep wishing everything is perfect.
There's the part where I keep wanting to tell you how much I miss you. Yet, with all the wrong words, comes the wrong reactions. There's the part where silence takes over, and in that silence brings her loudest cries. Still as a man, you never knew the key to breaking silence as a cry was reassurance.
Crying at the nights where you never told her you were home. Crying at the fear of being afraid that the same thing would happen to you and her.
Going back to the city that day, was afraid. Suddenly the fear of going back to university overwhelmed me. The fear of being alone again. The worst part, is you aren't going to be around all the time this round.
I've been so strong during the stay back on island here. But where's my confidence when I stepped into the city? Where had it all gone?
Times get hard when I try to straighten my thoughts. When I try to grab everything and everyone that I love all at the same time. In the same arm, in the one and only grasps.
Now is the time to prepare to face another duration of fear. Facing the fears of performing arts, to face the biggest challenge. Not to fail, and yet, breathe farther than just above the waters.
I really need a miracle. I need strength. Most of all, I need You. Give me the confidence. I'm not myself living in this life I can't manage.
There's a tendency to feel a little bit of pain. A tendency to feel a bit of doubt. That little brain that thinks too much.
So much for sunshine, there sometimes comes a period of a little thunder and rain as well.
There's that particular moment where you'd keep wishing everything is perfect.
There's the part where I keep wanting to tell you how much I miss you. Yet, with all the wrong words, comes the wrong reactions. There's the part where silence takes over, and in that silence brings her loudest cries. Still as a man, you never knew the key to breaking silence as a cry was reassurance.
Crying at the nights where you never told her you were home. Crying at the fear of being afraid that the same thing would happen to you and her.
Going back to the city that day, was afraid. Suddenly the fear of going back to university overwhelmed me. The fear of being alone again. The worst part, is you aren't going to be around all the time this round.
I've been so strong during the stay back on island here. But where's my confidence when I stepped into the city? Where had it all gone?
Times get hard when I try to straighten my thoughts. When I try to grab everything and everyone that I love all at the same time. In the same arm, in the one and only grasps.
Now is the time to prepare to face another duration of fear. Facing the fears of performing arts, to face the biggest challenge. Not to fail, and yet, breathe farther than just above the waters.
I really need a miracle. I need strength. Most of all, I need You. Give me the confidence. I'm not myself living in this life I can't manage.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Metamorphosis To Stage Three
We can't stop the mind from thinking. It's not a crime to start wanting to go to bed, and inspiration tips the waking.
Eyes barely open, thoughts running wild.
Walking through the gates of high school brought back much more than reminiscence. I stood by classrooms watching the shadows of my past. The younger version of me. Like a camera, I zoomed back to my teenage years. The things that hurt, the things that made me smile. All the glory, fame and yet, bitter memories that swallowed my past. I watched the moments where I was young and made mistakes. All the rebellion and hatred I held against things or people I shouldn't have. Walking through the classrooms brought me back to the days I had. Lonesome, tears, pretenses. Yet, those moments too carried the strength of endurance, of pure friendship, sisterhood and of the bars I had succumbed.
Thinking of the person I was before, I don't blame people for holding preconceived opinions of what I have become right now. Looking at these, I realized now how much circumstances had groomed me into the woman I am today. Mistakes were something unavoidable. Perhaps, I too was immature at that time, and never knew the right thing to do. Aren't most teenage years spent and wasted away just like that? Yet, through the drains we fall into, it then makes us immune to future mistakes we're about to take. Even if we didn't learn, well, maybe a couple of severe hijacking the wall would be sufficient to bruise us til we learn. As that's probably, why we call that living.
Life is like a maze. We keep bumping into its edges, til one day, we follow the light that leads us out. From there, we learn the opt of route to take in future. Each maze or course, teaching us something new each day. I ponder upon these thoughts sometimes. Haven't I made those mistakes, would I then be the person I am today?
My island and home is a place I wouldn't dream of trading. I've had bitter moments in my life. Yet, thinking of a chance to rewind and relive it? Maybe not. Cause those things I often regretted, made me choose a better route for tomorrow.
Who hasn't been hurt by the choices they made before? Who never wished that they could take back or erase the mistakes that cause people or change of roads in our lives?
I used to regret for not being mouldable to the words of my parents. Why never heed the wise when they were there. Still, I realize, maybe there's always a better hope.
I remember the cause of me wanting to leave the island so badly. I wanted a fresh start, a new life. A time to get away or cease from old, haunting memories. A time to start gaining trusts again. Starting fresh, where no one would judge me for who I am, or the person I used to be. Somehow, I wanted to be someone different, where I could change, and unleash the better side of myself, proving to everyone, that I could be something more. Someone better than they expect me to be. That's when I chose to come to university here.
Being in university for the past one year has taught me independence. I learned that life can be harsh, yet mild and subtle. A contrast, I wondered when ever I would stop crying. When would I get up to be strong. I had in mind that leaving home would make me forget the things or person I used to be. However, I had it all wrong. I realized then, that fixing things didn't mean finding security in a person who faked care. It didn't mean running away from problems you used to have. It didn't mean, crying would stop if you never got over hurts in the first place.
From here, my eyes opened and life struck me as it is. That life has to go on. There are times we make mistakes, but we learn from them. We don't do things to prove others wrong. We do it for our own happiness. Life wasn't about grudges. In order to move on, sometimes we have to learn, forgive and let go of the past. He made me realize the bitterness I used to hold towards the people that hurt me before. Then, I knew, that had to stop. Forgive is the key, and letting love light over darkness has become what makes me stronger in encountering my once upon a time foes.
I also learned that letting go of bitterness is what pairs up relationships of the past. Love and tolerance is what keeps relationships going. Some people change, and there's no way we can shape them into people we want them to be.
Many times, I cried over the one person who I confided in before. Cause of mistakes, misunderstandings, that security was lost. Felt lone and left with a fragile heart. I thought replacement was the key. But the more I kept trying, the worst things became. I let go of everything. And the things I wanted after so long, came back begging for something that used to be. Yet, too much hurts, too much drama, that these was something not to be patched.
I came back to the island this time. No more nightmares. No more crying. No more pain in my chest. As I am now, I know life is something that always evolved. I'll always be grateful for the family that loved me. But who said one who is non-blood tied couldn't make a change in your life too? Part of me realized that through the words of wisdom, I became strong. I learned to see things of different views. Through words, time, things changed. Those nightmares disappear, and I too, have grown into someone different.
There's more to life than just hoping for the right moment. Living it is the key, trusting God is what has brought me this far. I was meant to live, so breath never left me. For that, there's always a driven purpose in my life til now. That's to dare to be different, and make a difference in others.
Eyes barely open, thoughts running wild.
Walking through the gates of high school brought back much more than reminiscence. I stood by classrooms watching the shadows of my past. The younger version of me. Like a camera, I zoomed back to my teenage years. The things that hurt, the things that made me smile. All the glory, fame and yet, bitter memories that swallowed my past. I watched the moments where I was young and made mistakes. All the rebellion and hatred I held against things or people I shouldn't have. Walking through the classrooms brought me back to the days I had. Lonesome, tears, pretenses. Yet, those moments too carried the strength of endurance, of pure friendship, sisterhood and of the bars I had succumbed.
Thinking of the person I was before, I don't blame people for holding preconceived opinions of what I have become right now. Looking at these, I realized now how much circumstances had groomed me into the woman I am today. Mistakes were something unavoidable. Perhaps, I too was immature at that time, and never knew the right thing to do. Aren't most teenage years spent and wasted away just like that? Yet, through the drains we fall into, it then makes us immune to future mistakes we're about to take. Even if we didn't learn, well, maybe a couple of severe hijacking the wall would be sufficient to bruise us til we learn. As that's probably, why we call that living.
Life is like a maze. We keep bumping into its edges, til one day, we follow the light that leads us out. From there, we learn the opt of route to take in future. Each maze or course, teaching us something new each day. I ponder upon these thoughts sometimes. Haven't I made those mistakes, would I then be the person I am today?
My island and home is a place I wouldn't dream of trading. I've had bitter moments in my life. Yet, thinking of a chance to rewind and relive it? Maybe not. Cause those things I often regretted, made me choose a better route for tomorrow.
Who hasn't been hurt by the choices they made before? Who never wished that they could take back or erase the mistakes that cause people or change of roads in our lives?
I used to regret for not being mouldable to the words of my parents. Why never heed the wise when they were there. Still, I realize, maybe there's always a better hope.
I remember the cause of me wanting to leave the island so badly. I wanted a fresh start, a new life. A time to get away or cease from old, haunting memories. A time to start gaining trusts again. Starting fresh, where no one would judge me for who I am, or the person I used to be. Somehow, I wanted to be someone different, where I could change, and unleash the better side of myself, proving to everyone, that I could be something more. Someone better than they expect me to be. That's when I chose to come to university here.
Being in university for the past one year has taught me independence. I learned that life can be harsh, yet mild and subtle. A contrast, I wondered when ever I would stop crying. When would I get up to be strong. I had in mind that leaving home would make me forget the things or person I used to be. However, I had it all wrong. I realized then, that fixing things didn't mean finding security in a person who faked care. It didn't mean running away from problems you used to have. It didn't mean, crying would stop if you never got over hurts in the first place.
From here, my eyes opened and life struck me as it is. That life has to go on. There are times we make mistakes, but we learn from them. We don't do things to prove others wrong. We do it for our own happiness. Life wasn't about grudges. In order to move on, sometimes we have to learn, forgive and let go of the past. He made me realize the bitterness I used to hold towards the people that hurt me before. Then, I knew, that had to stop. Forgive is the key, and letting love light over darkness has become what makes me stronger in encountering my once upon a time foes.
I also learned that letting go of bitterness is what pairs up relationships of the past. Love and tolerance is what keeps relationships going. Some people change, and there's no way we can shape them into people we want them to be.
Many times, I cried over the one person who I confided in before. Cause of mistakes, misunderstandings, that security was lost. Felt lone and left with a fragile heart. I thought replacement was the key. But the more I kept trying, the worst things became. I let go of everything. And the things I wanted after so long, came back begging for something that used to be. Yet, too much hurts, too much drama, that these was something not to be patched.
I came back to the island this time. No more nightmares. No more crying. No more pain in my chest. As I am now, I know life is something that always evolved. I'll always be grateful for the family that loved me. But who said one who is non-blood tied couldn't make a change in your life too? Part of me realized that through the words of wisdom, I became strong. I learned to see things of different views. Through words, time, things changed. Those nightmares disappear, and I too, have grown into someone different.
There's more to life than just hoping for the right moment. Living it is the key, trusting God is what has brought me this far. I was meant to live, so breath never left me. For that, there's always a driven purpose in my life til now. That's to dare to be different, and make a difference in others.
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